


By My Brown Cassock

by villea amor (inkwellAnomaly)



Category: Noli Me Tangere & Related Works - José Rizal
Genre: Enjoy na lang guys, God this is so cursed, Interactive Fiction, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21829102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkwellAnomaly/pseuds/villea%20amor
Summary: A Noli Me Tangere text game. Players input commands over chat and the DM parses them to create a story!(Join theNoli Me Tangere Discord, and theText Game SEAsia Discord!)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	By My Brown Cassock

**BY MY BROWN CASSOCK**

_A Noli Me Tangere text game_

Your name is PADRE DAMASO. You're a distinguished guest at the party of CAPITAN TIAGO, whom you consider your close crony-you-mean-friend. After a particularly insidious play for the kabisera, the dinner begins. 

You've just been served the NECK PART of the TINOLA. What. This is an outrage! What do you do?

>toss the neck to ibarra's plate  
>Bitch I don't even eat tinola

"This is an affront to my priesthood!" you say. You plunge your fingers into the bowl, and fish out the neck part, tossing it at Ibarra's plate.

It's slippery and you're not the best thrower, so it lands in Doña Victorina's hair.

>You have a heart attack

This is... too much, even for you. You've had it with these natives! Ingrates, every one of them! 

You have a heart attack and die in your seat.

**Restart?**

>RESTART

You are Padre Damaso, again outraged at having been served the neck of the tinola.

>bring out phone to order KFC

You order one of the servants to fetch you a TELEGRAM MACHINE, in order to order some delicious chicken.

They return, and you carry it out.

>eats the whole bowl

While waiting for your chicken that you ordered, you decide to eat the whole bowl. It doesn't fit in your mouth though, so you eventually give up.

>steal ibarra's chicken  
>and eat it in front of him with eye contact  
>steal ibarra  
>Seduce Ibarra  
>eat ibarra

You cannot steal Ibarra's chicken, as he is sitting at the far end of the table. You instead take your own chicken and EAT IT WHILE ESTABLISHING EYE CONTACT to assert dominance.

>seduce Padre Salvi with the chicken bone

Your eyes shift to Padre Salvi, your successor, and you take out a chicken bone from your mouth. You eat is suggestively. He is the bone. You are... well, you. Whatever, he should get it.

He sits there, looking nervous.

>give the chicken to Tiago and steal his chicken

You finish the neck part and steal his chicken.

"Padre, what is happening...!" he says, astonished at your behavior. You're so hungry right now.

>strip tease in the name of the lord  
>but with passion  
>Give a lap dance to Tiago

Dance on the lap of a native? How ridiculous. You are a Spaniard, and a priest at that! No self-respecting priest dances for an indio.

>leave the dinner angrily  
>Scream "Its not like I like you or anything!! BAKA!!!" while doing it

In a fit of anger, outrage and general... warmth under your cassock, you leave the dinner, and a little vehemently at that!

You are now in the streets of Manila.

>strip in front of everyone and shouting “YAMETE!!”

Such strange foreign words. All you know is Castilian. Going in the nude is quite unthinkable, especially in the middle of the street! You're not some lunatic. You are a respectable and well-established priest of this colony!!!

>The ghost of Pia Alba looks at the camera like in the office

Indeed, she does. Somewhere, in the flowering kalachuchi fields of the afterlife. She is there, tired.

>you become a humbled human being and realize that you are a selfish man who has done a lot of wrong and decides to make things right thus avoiding the potential lethal conflict that may ever happen in the plot

You don't really feel like it. You're at the top of the world right now! Well not really. But you don't feel like changing. Nothing really pushing you to change, after all. If the world doesn't like you, then they will have to suffer! Padre Damaso Verdolagas, coming through!

>Skinny dip in the river where Ibarra's father was "buried"

A fine idea. Nothing like a little skinny dipping to lighten your mood! Unfortunately San Diego is miles away, and it is also quite cold, since it's the end of November.

>after skinny dipping you decide "fuck it im going back to the dinner to show them iNdIos"  
>slap everyone in the dinner because you feel like it(including MC for trying to tell you what to do)

You trudge back inside and slap everyone across their faces, including your daughter, who's just arrived! A commotion erupts, as several guests try to restrain you. You think you see Lieutenant Guevarra going to stop you, but you escape!

>get black out drunk on communion wine

You slip back downstairs and break into the convent of Sta. Clara, chugging their stash of communion wine. The Mother Superior catches you by the time you're two-thirds done with the bottles.

>Tell Salvi that he is the sexist skinny boy in this room, even sexier than Ibarra

You attempt to say it, but it comes out as mumbles. You black out.

>After you recover from the balckout, you wake up in Pilosopo Tasio's room

You come to.

"Are you alright, Padre...?" an old man asks you. You recall he is Pilosopo Tasio, one of the town's supposed bright minds. A lunatic at best, but a subversive at worst.

What do you tell him?

>Ayo wassup Tasyo  
>Bitch what happened

You greet him tersely, and ask him to explain.

"Well, Padre, you blacked out on communion wine in Manila, and then slept the whole carriage ride here. Capitan Tiago's men brought you to my house, given my knowledge on healing herbs. They said it would be the best way to cure you of your hangover, as the town's doctor is out."

>How good was I?

"...Excuse me?"

>How do I seduce Padre Salvi without passing out?  
>Y'know... //twirls hair// in bed //batts eyelashes///

"I'm not sure what you're referring to, Padre. You're confusing me a little," Tasio says, a little flustered.

>Damn... for a crazy dude you kinda hot tbh

"Padre! Remember your vows."

>I do. I remember that I promised you a good time.

"I still don't understand, Padre. Please illuminate. I may be a scholar but my knowledge has its limits."

>How do I summon Satan?

"There are many cultures who worship the devil and demons. I myself have compiled the rituals over the course of my studies, although I don't know why a priest like yourself would be interested in such things."

>Because it’s fuckin fun  
>try to recite latin to summon Satan  
>gonna sell my soul to get a piece of that ass lmaooo

You chant some random Latin phrases. Whatever, you want to summon the Devil. By the ghosts and apparitions of the night, you'll rip apart your soul and feed it to the hounds of Hell!

...As it's morning, none of it works.

>hey little tasyo lemme whisper in yo ear tell ya something you might like ta hear  
>imma slave for ya

He looks at you with shock.

"I'm calling the guardia civil."

>you get an existential crisis and realize nothing matters

You hear music play in your head. Nothing really matters... to you. Mamaaaaaa

>Ooh roleplay  
>Me likey  
>😍

"He's in there, Señores," you hear Tasio as he goes outside. 

>OH WHO U GONNA CALL?? GUWARDIYA SIBIL

They're certainly there to bust ghosts (and also subversives). They eventually arrive, and escort you out of Tasio's house for annoying him.

>YOU CAN'T TAKE ME ALIVE

You wrestle out of the guardia civil's constraints, and break out into a run! Looking around you, there's the path going into town, the path going into the forest, and the lakeshore. Which do you choose as your getaway?

>I will always love you Tasio  
>and iiiiiiiiiiii will aaaalllwwwaaaays loooove youUuuUuUu!!  
>whistles like mariah

You shout it to the hut at the top of your lungs.

"Get away from me, you lunatic!" he shouts back.

>to the lakeshore I naruto run

You run to the lakeshore, with the guardia civil in hot pursuit! There's a PILOT mooring his BOAT there, but you could also SWIM.

>blows a kiss at them xoxoxo jumps into the boat  
>SEDUCE THE PILOT  
>im goin with the pilot hes probably hot  
>OH ELIAS BEBE  
>LET ME RIDE YOU ER THE BOAT

You blow him a kiss. He's so taken aback that he doesn't notice you stealing his boat.

You are now rowing out to the middle of the lake. You see the guardia civil take out some rifles, and they begin shooting! Bullets whiz by and hit the water. You've got to find some way to get out of here!

>Row faster  
>You show your legs to distract them  
>do a lil dance  
>just a very lil one

You hike up your cassock and show off your legs, doing a little dance in the process. The guardia civil are momentarily confused and terrified, giving you a chance to row out of range!

>pray to your sugar daddy God himself  
>call upon the crocodiles to eat the guards

You pray to your main homeboy in the Upstairs! Please, send crocodiles to eat the guardia civil! Thanks, pare!!!

Something bubbles up from the bottom of the lake. You can't believe it. It's... It's...

A large fish, curious about your boat. Goddammit!

>It's Rizal telling you to speak Filipino  
>Rizal Bangus teaches you the value of nationalism through language  
>vibe check the fish  
>smack the fish with your oar

You scream "VIBE CHECK" and hit the fish with your oar. It faints, and starts floating upside down. Maybe it's resting?

>I see sinigang na Bangus in my future

A vision of the future miraculously appears before you. People... cooking fish in oil! How fantastic! It could change the world!

>I kindly ask the fish to get in the boat  
>i get the fish and put it on the boat

You take the fish and tenderly put it on your boat. You have a new fishy friend! He'll be safe here. You decide to name him Jose.

>I equip the fish as my weapon

You set your STRIFE SPECIBUS to BANGUSKIND.

>I offer it to satan and request a ton of gators under my command

You can't sacrifice Jose! He's your friend! And fish are friends, not Devil's food!!!

>You spread the word of the sinigang bangus and the guards stop teary eyed

You row back to shore and make a rousing speech about the future of cooking fish! Someday, families will come together and eat a fish that is cooked crisp, and to perfection!

The guardia civil fail to be moved by your speech. They move to arrest you.

>I smack the distracted guards with the fish

In a stroke of quick thinking and utter genius, you slap the guards with Jose! They're momentarily distracted, allowing you to run into town! In the process, you knock over a lady carrying a basket of TOMATOES on her head.

"Ay!" she screams, dropping them. "I was supposed to cook those for my sons!"

>WHO CARES! ITS DEAD

"Excuse me, Padre...?" she says, bewildered as she picks up the tomatoes.

>I give the lady the fish

You offer Jose to the nice lady. You're pretty sure the fish is dead by now.

"Padre! How generous of you... Yes, one of my sons loves fish..."

>ILL HELP YOU PICK UP YOUR TOMATOES IF YOU HIDE ME

"Yes of course! But hide you from whom?"

"The guardia civil!" you say.

She puts a hand over her mouth. "How terrible!"

>i take the tomatoes as ammo

You take some as ammunition. Can't be too careful out here.

>i eat one tomato whole  
>eat the tomato like an apple

The lady watches you in confusion as you eat a tomato whole, like an apple.

"I have... other vegetables in my garden, Padre. I'd be happy to cook them for you first before you eat them."

>Mommy?

"Yes, I'm a mother! I can't believe I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Sisa."

>oh noe  
>HELLO SISA MAY I PLEASE STAY INSIDE

"Yes, yes! Please hurry inside! I apologize for the humble accommodations, but we should be safe here! Nobody ever passes here."

>mama sisa I lub u po  
>i gib u protection from salvi  
>lemme hide crispin ples  
>can you be my mommy?

You thank her for sheltering you. You're pretty sure she's younger than you though, so you refrain from saying all that other stuff.

>I hit Sisa with the fish thus continuing the plot as if she were crazy for another reason.

You already gave it to her! She's cooking it right now.

>excuse me , tomatoes are bloody amazing and no one can tell me otherwise. I take all her tomatoes and run.  
>I take all her tomatoes, make sure she's safe, then run  
>i take half the tomatoes and run

"Sisa, I'm sorry, but I have to leave now! They're after me! I'll need these as ammunition, please overlook my theft!" you say, grabbing some more handfuls of tomatoes and stuffing them in your cassock.

"Padre, wait...!"

You're already out the door, running deeper into the forest. At this rate, you'll be reaching the town of TIANI if you press on further.

>you see sunglasses and try it on

You don't see any sunglasses.

>naruto run further  
>i would just like to clarify that I intend to eat the tomatoes and not use them as ammunition. I continue running to Tiani  
>grab a sack to put the tomatoes in

There's nothing out here! Just dense forest. Supposedly the ghost of Crisostomo's great-grandfather haunts these woods, but you're not one to put stock in fairy tales and housewives' gossip.

>I use my fists

For what?

>oh you know ;)  
>to summon satan

This is a family-friendly text game.

>for justice  
>to punch the ghost

You're not afraid of ghosts! You punch the air and (unsurprisingly) hit nothing.

>I climb a tree and hide from the guardian civil for sake of plot continuity

You climb a tree to hide. Although you don't really hear the guardia civil chasing after you? It's just you now, alone in the forest. 

Time passes. You stay in the tree. You're bored.

>eat another tomato  
>well. Now I'm just in a tree. Casually eat a tomato and wait a day  
>sing Baby One More Time

You bite into another juicy tomato. You hum a little tune to amuse yourself.

Eventually, you hear someone enter the woods as well. It's a young man with a salakot and a hunting knife!

"Is someone there?"

>I decide I wanna mess with Ibarra

That's all well and good, but he's at the town square of San Diego right now. You're near the border of Tiani, which is the next town over.

>admire the newly arrived hottie's abs  
>admire the lad's powerful muscles

Alas, he has a shirt on. If only.

>drop a tomato and see if he notices  
>drop a tomato on his HEAD and see if he notices  
>drop a tomato on his abs

You drop a tomato on his head. He's startled.

"Who goes there?!"

>I make an owl noise hoping he'll think it was just an owl. I will then realize those don't exist in the Philippines

You make some hooing noises to imitate an owl. You then remember that there aren't many owls in the Philippines, and even if they were, they'd probably sound different from Spanish owls.

He eventually looks up at you.

"I know you're up there! Show yourself, fiend, or meet your end here at the hands of Telesforo de Dios!"  
>Uhhh i’m a ghost  
>you throw another tomato at him

"I am an apparition! Oooo" you say, throwing another tomato. He dodges.

"What kind of ghost throws tomatoes?"

>i pretend to be a kapre. Idk. He has a large pointy blady thing and I ask him to put it down first

"I'm actually a kapre! Put down your blade, mortal! I implore you!"

"Kapres don't have pale skin."

>scoff bc what can this dumb indio do??? stab me???? a spaniard??  
>I have Spanish skin.i am immune to death.  
>death is a social construct  
>Death doesn't exist if you're a kastilla

You scoff. 

"So you are a Spaniard! My apologies, sir, but this part of the woods belongs to my father."

>does a peace sign

You come down from the tree, since it's clearly a misunderstanding. You do this while offering a sign of peace, which you invent just now by holding up two fingers in a "v" shape.

>'Kapres don't have fair skin' says who??? I refuse to be racially profiled by a bigoted, racist Indio!

You say a bunch of words that don't mean anything. Not in this century, at least.

>anyway your forest is mine bitch boy  
>it's free real estate  
>sorry abt ur dad. my forest now

"You are mistaken, Señor 'Kapre'. This part of the forest, as I said, was claimed by my father Marcelo."

You continue insisting that you own this forest.

>I lecture the Indio about judging others based off on their skin colour and heritage. I tell him his behaviour is despicable .I ignore that I refer to him as 'indio'

"That's enough!" he says, holding you at knifepoint. 

What do you do?

>act like that cat from the meme  
>laugh  
>"what are you gonna do, stab me?"

You smile all wily, and tempt him like some tricky cat in a similar situation.

>I shout random Tagalog words hoping I confuse him enough for me to have the chance to slip away

"Now you're making a mockery of my heritage! You shall die right here, right now!"

>I kick him too

You kick him. This further enrages him, and he stabs you. You feel the knife go into your chest.

You bleed out. The last thing you see is him walking away.

**Restart?**

>can I continue on as a ghost?

No, you cannot. Well, okay, maybe you can. But there's no one interesting who's dead yet, as the canon plot hasn't proceeded. What, you wanna meet Ibarra's mother? She has like, no personality.

>I pray to the gods to be reborn as a rock with a peaceful life

You are instead reborn as a rock. This is the same rock that, thirteen years later, where Telesforo's father Marcelo dies after an encounter with the guardia civil. Take that, Tales!

You spend several centuries bored out of your mind.

**Restart?**

>otherwise we can RESTART  
>Tinola time Restart

Your name is Padre Damaso. You're in your seat at Capitan Tiago's party, consumed with rage. What do you do?

>conceal dont feel  
>don't let them know  
>calm down because u know ur better than literally anyone else in this table

You excuse yourself and go for a walk in the nice streets of Manila. It's quite peaceful. 

Why are you so angry all the time, anyway?

>I lose my shit and sassily throw my wine at the ibarra kid

Oh right, because being mad is fun.

You go back inside, take your wineglass and splash it at Ibarra! That'll teach him for upstaging you!

"My word, Padre! And to think you were my father's bosom friend!"

>i hit her too out of spite  
>i hit her too but it's colateral damage

You run out of wine. You refill it, and splash Doña Victorina as well.

"Padre, dios mio! How dare you?!"

>"it's what you indios deserve uwu"

"It's what you indios deserve, ooh wooh." 

Ibarra barely manages to contain his anger, while Victorina starts to turn purple.

>I passive aggressively pretend I didn't mean to spill the wine and tell ibarra the colour suits him

"Bright red to a dinner party, Señor? Looks like studying in Europe has done a number on your fashion sense."

You end his whole career. Some of the priests at the party cheer for you.

>I sashay out the doors with really cool music playing in the background

The band notices you delivered an epically sick burn, so you sashay out of the doors all dramatically.

You then slip on an errant ice cube and hit your head.

**THE END**


End file.
